Desperately Needed Monopoly Cards

monopoly cards
Judge Dan Hinde

The popular board game Monopoly can be traced back to 1903. Over the years, the game has been revamped many times including design changes, the addition of new player tokens, foreign editions and numerous licensed editions. One area overlooked in the updating has been that of legal exposure. Merely playing the game by the prescribed rules can land an unwitting player in serious legal jeopardy. It’s time that Parker Brothers’ attorneys spend less time taking “a walk on the Boardwalk” and more time warning players of the potential legal pitfalls inherent in their game.

Community Chest
Advance to Go. Collect $200*

*This amount is being reported to the IRS and you will receive a 1099 at the end of the year. The fact that the Banker paid you in cash does not mean you can just pocket it and not tell Uncle Sam.

Community Chest
Receive $25 for Services*

*By accepting this payment, you acknowledge that you are acting as an independent contractor. To qualify for this status under strict Federal laws, you agree that you are responsible for all taxes including Social Security and Medicare taxes. You further acknowledge that you are not eligible to participate in any employee pension, health, vacation pay or sick pay. You can’t come to our Christmas party, either. Use of our bathroom facilities will be determined on a case-by-case basis.

Free Parking*

*Management is not responsible for theft or damage to vehicle or contents. This includes, but is not limited to, LOOSE CHANGE left in the console and CATALYTIC CONVERTERS, which have been flying out of cars left at this location.

Community Chest
Pay Hospital $100*

*This bill represents IN NETWORK, standard CO-PAY charges for the medical services performed. HMOs and PPOs often require a referral or pre-authorization prior to a patient’s registration. Failure to provide a proper referral will result in a denial of payment by insurance. The patient is then held responsible for payment of the ENTIRE bill as well as any additional medical fees incurred when the patient suffers a heart attack upon seeing the total charges due.

Community Chest
You Inherit $100*

*Minus probate legal fees and court costs. Collect $3

Take a Ride on the Reading Railroad*

*You must be 18 years of age or older. A government-issued valid photo ID is required. Two personal items and two carry-on bags permitted. Please visit the train’s website for a complete list of items allowed on board which include, but are not limited to, an Iron, a Top Hat, a Race Horse, a Wheelbarrow and a Thimble. Permissible pets include: a Scottie dog, a Cat (Hazel), a T-Rex, a Penguin and a Rubber Ducky. (Note: Due to heightened security concerns, a Cannon is no longer carry-on or checked luggage.)

Community Chest
Grand Opera Opening
Collect $50 From Every Player
For Opening Night Seats*

*There is no Federal Law prohibiting ticket scalping. Individual state laws widely vary. That said, we’re not talking Taylor Swift or Elton John here. We’re talking opera tickets. ZZZZzzzz You’ll be lucky if you get fifty cents on the dollar for what you paid for them. Good luck, Pavarotti.

Go to Jail.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200*

*You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, contact legal aid. Most attorneys don’t spend three years and tens of thousands in law school tuition to work pro bono for losers like you. Deeds to properties such as Baltic Avenue and Mediterranean Avenue are not accepted as payment for legal services rendered.

John Ficarra

John Ficarra was the long time editor of MAD Magazine. He retired in 2018, but has continued to write humorous essays for The New Yorker, the Washington Post, Air Mail Newsletter and many other publications.

Comments 2

  1. Tatia D Barnes says:

    “Deeds to properties such as Baltic Avenue and Mediterranean Avenue are not accepted as payment for legal services rendered.” If only this were in writing!! Great article.

  2. Mitch Gilbert says:

    Is it possible to be disbarred as a writer??? Nah, I didn’t think so. Lucky you!!!
    Seriously, brilliantly funny!!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related Posts